September 3, 2014 Photo and Journal Challenge

The topic for the photo on September 3rd is Something You Would Have Changed.  I chose my mother's situation, since this is one of the days I go in and visit/sit with her.

Mom doesn't know us anymore.  In fact, my mom has really been gone for several years...just slipping away a bit at a time.  Now she is unaware of who is visiting with her, her dementia has taken away her ability to remember any of us. She told the staff the other day that she was 10 years old and I think that's about where her memory is now. Some days she's quite agitated with some memory that's plaguing her mind, but most days she sleeps through them, her body on pain killing medications.

I know that I can't change anything that happened with her and Dad, but I do wish I could go back and get a do-over with really stopping and paying attention to how much Mom was struggling with caring for him and keeping up with their home, finances, and just their day to day life.  Dad had some serious illnesses, including not being able to walk his final years, so Mom really did have a big job. We all tried to help, and they hired day help with some of Dad's care, but I know it wasn't enough.

Now its just a matter of keeping up with her care, monitoring the way the staff takes care of her, and just praying with/for her.  I spend my time playing her music on my iPhone, or straightening up her already straight room, and just talking to her.  I tell her all about my week, what's happening with the family, and in the world.  She hardly will open her eyes any more.  The Hospice staff tell us she's near the end, but she continues to hold on.

September 4th is her birthday -- she's 87 years old.  If I could, I'd tell her it's okay to go.  We're all doing fine, the grand kids are all doing fine, and we're praying that she's called soon.   I know she's cared for well, but this long goodbye is hard on all of us and on her.