Sunday, April 13, 2014

Movie Review --- Noah

I was raised in the era of Disney's Bambi, where the cute little skunk relates a piece of advice that his mother skunk gave him, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all."  Sigh.......

So, given that, let me first apologize to our good friends, John and Mari, for even proposing this stinker.  I know they were being very nice about it last night, but I also know it was a "stinker."  Thank goodness we had a few hours afterwards of good food and conversation to make up for the movie.

Some things I think I know about Noah from years of cradle Catholic education:

  • Noah was a product of his environment.  He would have eaten goat, rabbit, meat that was part of their culture.  What was up with the vegetarian lecture???
  • Men and women of that time would not have worn pants, they wouldn't have buttons, they especially would not have had a welder's helmet (OMG! That was laugh out loud funny!)  The women would NOT have worn leather pants. Did they wear boots in those days? I'm thinking it would have been more sandals, if anything.
  • Armadillodog?????
  • Come on! Anyone who's even heard the children's version of the story knows that Noah's sons had wives who were also on the ark.  What was this whole storyline about killing off mankind? Where did that come from? God's command (from the Bible story) to Noah was to save the animals and his family.
  • Noah came across as a vindictive mad man - denying his son's wives, willing to kill off his grandchildren. A truly unlikable man.
  • The rock transformer fallen angels...I don't even know where to start on that one. Even given that that detail was made up in the director's head wholesale, the execution was AWFUL, and the Nick Nolte voice just was laugh inducing.
  • WHAT the heck was up with the snake skin wrapped around the arm and magically glowing???
  • Methuselah?  In the ark story??? Huh????
  • Early world pregnancy test using a leaf?
There were a few things I could nod my head about, although very few:
  • The shape and design of the ark was pretty good.  Much more believable than the children's story version that looks like a pretty little boat with a roof.
  • Putting the animals, snakes, etc. to sleep while on the ark.  Okay, that sounds like a pretty good idea, actually, although I would have thought the humans walking around with the smoke would have also fallen asleep.
  • The dove actually brought the olive leaf to the boat after the flood. Kudos!
All I can say is I felt very sorry for all of the actors in this movie.  You could see that they were giving it their best to be so so so sincere.  I could picture them thinking through the whole thing that this was garbage, but they signed a contract and had to see it through.  I actually like all of the actors in this movie, they just didn't have a good screenplay to follow. sad and such a waste of talent.

I'll give it 1/2 star.  That's a pity half star.

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